Look, your father is going to hang those in your room tonight.
I don't want to hear another word about it.
Gary, would you please tell them they can use these activity boards I bought?
Use your activity boards that she bought.
Yes but Dad, tell her I'm too old for this.
Tom is too old for that.
Can your turn off the Tv, and show a little interest in your children's life.
Tell your mother I'll show interest in your life when there's a commercial.
You're watching a commercial.
Hey, when Billy Mays yells, I listen.
Gary? Gary, I need you to hang these boards.
They're a great motivator and will help keep the kids organized.
Why do they need these boards here? Don't they have them at your house?
That's the point. It's all part of my household continuity project.
Does that fall under the umbrella of your "ruin Gary's life" initiative?
No, I already finished that.
I came in ahead of schedule and under budget, thank you.
I know, I know. No, Gary. I read a book on this, OK? Continuity
between homes makes transitions Less Jarring for children of divorce.
Do you guys Feel Jarred?
Any other imaginary emotions you want to pin on me?
Guys, why don't you just go put those in your rooms, OK?
How am I supposed to play you two against each other
if both my houses are equally lame?
Dad, Ms. Plummer said that she's going out with you again tomorrow night.
Ms. Plummer said that in front the class?
No, she told me in private.
Dad, please don't mess this up. I have her for one more year.
I don't want to get a bad grade just because I have your eyes.
Gary, i'm gonna need a key 'cause I'm gonna be coming and going a lot.
- What? - What? Since I broke up with Walter,
I finally have the time to make this place work better for the kids.
No. You cannot have a key. See, when I moved out of the house,
I kind of under the impression I wouldnt have to see you as much.
That's how the judge sold me on the whole divorce thing.
I wouldn't have to do any of this at all if you
and the house weren't a constant work in progress. I mean,
seriously when was the last time you did anything to fix this place up?
You're right, Allison. But, you know,
I was gonna surprise you with this, but since we're talking about it,
I'll show you. I did something to spruce the house up.
But it's outside. Let me show you.
Just go to the... That's much better.
- = 117 =- " Gary Hooks Up Allison "
Sub VO : ¤Aka¤
Subs-Addicts" [Sub-way.fr]
I don't know, Gary. I've got to get up pretty early in the morning.
- I sure had a good time, ms. Plummer. - Well, Gary,
you've got to stop calling me Ms. Plummer.
- You're not one of my students. - I can't help it.
Like the incomparable David Lee roth says, I guess I'm just hot for teacher.
- I'll stay for one drink. - Attagirl.
That's the spirit and, you know, and I don't know if you know this or not,
but this is our fourth date, and I think there's some kind
of law that something's supposed to happen after a third date.
I'm pretty sure that's not a law.
I'm pretty sure it is a law, you know,
and I've gotten out of jury duty 7 times. I know a lot about the law.
So I get the feeling you like me.
I wouldn't have sat through a two-hour, one-woman show if I didn't like you.
Come on. You've got to admit,
Shirley Maclaine as had a fascinating life.
Yeah, it was fascinating. I just wish her one-woman show
was performed by a bunch of guys throwing a football.
Well, you were a very good sport.
I was, wasn't i?
- Hey, Gar. - Hey, Joan.
- Allison, I... We just were, Hey. - Don't worry about it.
I've seen Gary attempt to kiss other people before.
- What are you doing here?! - I told you about this.
I found bookcases for Louise's room that
are exactly like the ones at my house, and i'm just putting them together.
- Go! Come on! Get out of here! - Well, I just...
Soon as I get my carrot muffins out of the oven.
And, Gary, the kids can have as many
of these as they want because they're made with oat flour
and flaxseed and they're sweetened with applesauce.
That's not a bad idea, you know that?
And I like what you're saying about the flaxseeds,
so you're really speaking my language on that one.
I think I should probably go.
No, no. Hey, I don't want you to go. I want her to go.
She's over here all the time ever since she Broke up with Krandall.
Yeah, but, Gary, she's obviously trying to keep busy
because of the breakup. She really needs your support right now.
I'll support her tomorrow.
I mean, we already supported Shirley Maclaine.
How many crotchety old bags do we have to prop up in one day?
Besides, I don't know if you know this, but you were just 3 min away from 2 min
of ecstasy.
Sometimes the anticipation of the event
is more exciting than the event itself.
So my reputation as a lovemaker precedes me.
Hey, Gary, you got to taste these muffins.
The rest of your coffees will be right up, Mr. Brooks.
Thanks, Lindsay. Remember Lindsay? She baby-sat Tom and Louise?
Here you go. 8 quadruple-shot mochas. Good luck on your murder spree.
It's for my paint crew. We're painting a second story today.
After this, they won't need ladders.
Can't we just go back to our regular coffee place?
This place creeps me out. Look.
They have pitchers of cream.
Call me old-fashioned, but cream should be powder.
Well, Joan took me to this place on one of our first dates.
She says that coffee tastes better if you enjoy it in a place that's classy.
I'm classy, too.
Excuse me. Other people are waiting here.
Yeah, but they're keeping it to themselves.
Burn.
Yeah, I know how fascinating stirring is to you painters,
but, could you finish it at the job site, please?
That's amazing. You guessed it. Did you
as a child dream of becoming a coffee-shop job-guesser?
Double burn.
That guy makes me Ms. Krandall. At least Krandall kept Allison out of my hair.
Maybe should find Allison another guy. You know anybody could set her up with?
That's impossible. Any guy worthy of Allison is already in prison or hell.
Smoke alarm! Fire! Fire!
Oh, my gosh! Tom! Louise! Wake up! There's a fire!
Fire! Fire!
Allison, get down from there. There's a fire.
Gary, that was just me. I'm changing all the batteries in your smoke alarms.
- What time is it? - It's 6:30.
Congratulations, Allison. This is the earliest I've ever been pissed at you.
Gary, I'm sorry, but I have a spin class at 7:00. It was the only time I had.
How do you get in here?! What, do I got to put steel wool around the drainpipes?
That's a good idea. I forgot all about that.
When are you gonna be done?
Well, as soon as we get your life in order, so, no time soon.
Are you absolutely sure this is the best way to get Allison a date?
Yeah. It's how I sold my waterbed.
That was a really tiny lesbian.
Mr. Brooks, you can't put this in the window.
We have a pretty strict policy against human trafficking.
All right.
Look, Lindsay, we're all against human trafficking, but
that's Allison. There's probably a gray area here somewhere, right?
All right.
This is great. I'll never get rid of Allison now.
Why don't you just go to Ms. Plummer's?
- Can't. She has cats. - What's wrong with cats?
I can't get naked in front of cats. They bat things that dangle.
Looks like you're stuck in there forever, unless you want to push.
Well done.
I would have figured it out without you. I'm sorry I took that away from you.
I know how much you people enjoy your little victories.
That guy's just like Krandall.
- Hey, he's just like Krandall. - That's what I just said.
No, you could set him up with Allison.
You're right. But I can't talk to that guy.
He's mean, he hates me, and he's spooky.
Just like Allison.
- Why don't you go talk to him, man? - You're right.
- What are you reading? - "Archaeology today."
Well, that's kind of weird.
Today, archaeology's about old stuff, but it's today.
Yes, I suppose it is a bit of an oxymoron.
You don't have to call me names.
Look, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot and,
I'd like to maybe start over. Let me ask you a question.
Are you, are you single?
- We're still on the wrong foot. Bye. - I know. No, not for me.
For my ex-wife. See, she's single and I think you guys would really hit it off.
You guys would be perfect together, seriously.
Look, I'm flattered and, more than a little frightened.
But, I'm not gonna go out with some woman who...
Good god! She's stunning.
I just think you guys would really hit it off.
You have so much in common. You're smart. She's smart.
You're an archaeologist. She's bony.
- You know what? I'd love to meet her. - Great. You won't be sorry, initially.
Are you, you're sure we have enough in common?
Here's your coffee. Anything else?
Yes, I'd like a carrot muffin and,
now, can you tell me, is that made with oat flour and flaxseed?
I hear wedding bells!
Oh, my gosh. I totally forgot we had a date. I'm sorry.
We don't.
All right, good. I say that all the time anyway to be safe. Come on in.
So, what's going on?
Well, I just ran into a friend who gave me two tickets to see
- "Don Giovanni." - That's cool. Who's he fighting?
No, it's an opera, and I got box seats.
That's terrific. You want to meet up afterwards?
Come on, Gary. It'll be fun.
We can get all dressed up and stop for a glass of wine on the way,
and then go see a great opera.
Is that the one "kill the wabbit" is based on?
You're thinking of "flight of the Valkyries."
I promise you i'm not.
So will you go?
Yeah, I think I'll go. Besides,
you know, afterwards, we can come back here, and
that third-date rule that's been dogging us,
we could probably figure out the answer to that
'cause I don't think Allison's gonna be here.
Why, because you killed her?
No. No, I think I found the guy for Allison.
He's great. He's smart. He's an intellectual.
I mean, he corrected my grammar several times. Did you know that "Ravel"
means the same as "Unravel"?
You don't have to say the "un" at all. I've wasted so much time.
I wish you would have told me that
you were looking to set Allison up with someone. I know the perfect guy.
No, no. Here, sit. This is the perfect guy.
I took his picture. That's him right there.
His name is Edward.
What do you mean, "huh"? You don't seem "thused."
Gary you can't do that with every word.
See, look.
Listen, there's this dad at school who I think would be much better for Allison.
Do you know Andy Russell?
Yeah. The guy that runs the spring carnival?
If you really want to set Allison up with someone, I think you want Andy.
What the hell's this?
- I found it tacked to a telephone pole! - What?
5 of the tabs are missing.
Actually, don't get ahead of yourself. Only 3 are missing.
I had to pull 2 to get the ball rolling so you didn't look desperate.
You said yourself you have too much time on your hands since
you broke up with Krandall, and I've noticed. You're taking it all out on me.
So you decided just to post my picture around the city?
What are you, nuts? I already got a call about a bachelor party!
If you have the kids that night, I'll take'em.
All right. Look, I was just trying to help out.
In fact, I think I found the perfect guy for you at the coffee shop.
Well, but if he isn't, I know somebody who might be.
OK, look, Joan, I'm sure your intentions are good and, Gary,
I would ask what you're thinking, but that implies that you can, so...
Allison, give me a break. It's just I think you're kind of in a rut.
I'm sorry. I am not in a rut, Gary.
If I want to meet a guy, all I have to do is put on my red dress,
blow out my hair, and shake my cookies!
God, Gary! How dare you assume that just because I've been spending days
and days here laying shelf liner and hanging shoe trees
and making cubbies for the kids' school that somehow I am unfulfilled?
All right. Send your top two picks to the coffee shop tomorrow, OK?
No druggies, no fatties.
Is that your phone?
It's OK. I'm a doctor.
Yes, nurse. What is it?
- It's Lindsay. - Lindsay, why are you calling me?
I'm so busy right now.
Because you promised you'd pay me 20 bucks to call you
and tell you how Allison's dates are going.
- Why are you whispering? - I'm at the opera.
Are you painting it?
No, I'm not painting it!
Excuse me.
All right, so what's going on over there?
Her date's going really well.
She's been sitting with this guy for a long time.
Is it the carrot muffin guy?
Muffin man was shot down really quickly.
She's with more of a... Jelly-filled-donut kind of guy.
Really?
They've been sitting here for two hours.
They're talking. They're laughing.
Thanks, Lindsay.
Good news. Allison found her man.
- It's Andy, isn't it? - Yeah. How did you know she'd pick him?
Well, your guy was too perfect.
Women don't want someone who's all finished. They want a fixer-upper.
That's ridiculous. Who would want a fixer-upper when you could have Edward,
- a guy who's in move-in condition? - Because it's no fun.
They want a guy who they can fix up exactly the way they want them.
Fix their hair, fix their clothes, you know, introduce them to new stuff.
New stuff li coffee shops, one-woman shows, and the opera?
- What? - Oh, my god, I'm your fixer-upper!
Now I'm in trouble.
Thank you. It's over.
It's just intermission. And you are not my fixer-upper.
Sure, I am. I can totally see it. Don't you see? I mean, for 15 years,
I was with a woman that all she wanted to do was change me...
How I acted, how I behaved, what I wore, the way I looked.
She was at my house this morning trying to fix the way I live.
I can't do that again. I'm sorry. I have to be me.
Yeah, but did it ever occur to you that I was just trying to show you some of
the things that interested in so that you could learn a little bit about me?
Sure that's how it starts but next thing you know, I'm taking, like
ballroom dancing classes, i'm learning another language,
i'm buying cheese from a store that only sells cheese.
Where does it end? At the opera.
So, then, why did you even say that you would come with me?
Because I thought it would led to sex.
You only came to the opera to get sex?
That's the only reason any guy goes to the opera. What, do you think these guys
running around the theater. That guy wants to be at the opera? No.
You think that guy wants to be at the opera? No.
All right, these two guys, they want to be at the opera.
I think we should just go.
Something's telling me you're not dying to see how the story ends.
It's in French. I don't even know how it begins.
- It's Italian! - 'cause I speak Italian, right?
So, that went well.
Just get my bag so I can go home.
Sorry.
Why'd you leave your bag at my house?
Because I thought I was going to be spending the night.
Tonight was the night you were gonna sleep over, and I totally blew it?
Oh, my gosh.
You know, you look very pretty tonight.
- Get... my bag! - Right. Sorry. Sorry.
Here you go. Look. Let's be honest. I sat through half of the opera.
That's... I get nothing?
There. We're even.
Thanks.
- Hey, Gar. - Why wouldn't you be here?
I've been drinking coffee for the past two hours. I'm completely wired.
So I thought I'd come over and finish up a couple things I started.
What happened to your date with Andy?
Yeah, that's over.
What do you mean it's over? I thought you guys were really hitting it off.
We were, we were.
We were talking. We were connecting. W were making plans for tomorrow
and I suggested maybe we could have lunch, you know, get some coffee,
get some new clothes, maybe get a haircut for him, you know.
I don't know.
Contact lenses? Look for a better condo? And then he gets up,
he goes to the bathroom, and I never see him again. Just don't get that.
You don't get it?
You don't get it? You just met the guy, and already you want to change him?
What is it with you people? It's like an addiction.
Look. I don't want to change him. I you know, I want him just to be the...
The best damn andy he can be.
Why do women always want to change guys and fix them up
and make them like new things? You know where I just was all night?
I was at the opera. Joan took me to the opera!
Were you painting it?
I wasn't painting it. I wish I was painting it. I had to sit through it.
So what, Gary so what if she was trying to help you learn and grow?
Want know what's wrong with that? It's annoying that's why.
You know, I'll tell you what's annoying,
is when a guy has potential and he won't let me work with it.
OK. You know what?
I, for one, don't want to be worked on.
Gary, you are never gonna get into a lasting relationship if you're afraid
- to open yourself up to new things. - What about you?
You're never gonna hang onto a guy if you keep nagging him
to change stuff that he doesn't want to change.
Gary, what if... What if we both keep chasing people off?
You know, eventually, we're gonna be the only two left.
We're gonna get back together, aren't we?
You know what? Don't say that. That's terrible.
Oh, my god. OK. You know what? Either
I've had too much coffee the thought of that just given me a heart attack.
Just calm down.
Allison, next time you go out with a guy, just don't try to change him, OK?
Yeah. OK, I won't, unless.
Unless, there's something glaring, like a gold chain or something.
OK! You're right! You're right! All right. I'll just...
I will let them be who they are. OK.
And, Gary, you know what?
You can't be afraid to open yourself up to new things, you know?
You're right.
You know what? Both of us have to start cutting other people a lot more slack.
That might be the most grown-up thing I think you've ever said.
Thank you.
Joan was here, and I'm still a little revved up. You want to do it?
Nah, forget it. I don't have 2 minutes, anyway. See you.
I wanted to talk to you about the incomplete I got last night.
All grades are final.
I know I was a Jerk and I was pompous and obnoxious...
Yes, you were.
- But I don't deserve a second chance? - No, you don't.
But if you do give me a second chance...
I would love to take you to see "Don Giovanni."
I want to know if Don Giovanni
is able to Lure Zerlina away from her fiance Masetto.
Yeah, I can Google.
Well, aren't you afraid that I might try and fix you up the way I want you?
Let's face it. I'm a tear-down.
Any repairs you want to make is fine with me.
- Have you been to the ballet? - Come on!
Team Subs-Addicts"